Starship Troopers

Casper Van Dien stars in "Starship Troopers"

     Starship Troopers.......sucks. I do not mean to pick apart its bad attempts at social satire that Robert Heinlein even failed at in his novel. I don't mean it sucks as cinema, or an action film, or a cautionary tale of putting Casper Von Dien up against a greenscreen that can out-act him. What I mean is, it sucks. It sucks as a concept, it surely sucked as a screenplay, and it sucks as a major motion picture. It should have been marketed as a horror film, because I reacted in terror when I realized this ill-conceived twaddle cost 105 million dollars to make.


      I had the chance to see the film again, in high definition. The film looks, as it always ever did, absolutely spectacular. But when suspension of disbelief enters the frame, I check out. Most films require this at some point. But Starship Troopers does not request it, mostly because it is too lazy and would lack the brainpower even if it had the will. Every character is wooden, none are relatable or sympathetic. In this reality, humans have mastered interstellar travel and apparently possess the technology necessary to make small nuclear weapons capable of semi-selective desruction. Yet they have no better method of large scale warfare than putting troops on the ground, with little to no armor, and have them fire bullets at these hulking insects. Digest that a moment.

     Paul Verhoven and company can make a good film. Witness the original Robocop, for example. The film soars as a sci-fi classic and the cyborg at the center has insight, vulnerability, and a sense of justified vengeance. In this film, none of the characters are as developed as even the ED-209 was. In an absurd twist, the one part of the film that is fairly accurate is the co-ed shower scene. Played largely for gratuity and an opportunity to get Dina Meyer wet and unclothed, it shows several unclad ladies in the background of the shot who are most certainly NOT material for the cover of Cosmopolitan. A real military would feature such a setting, so uh, bravo for that I guess.

     In short, if you own this film, hang your head in shame. NPH deserves better than this, but he had not hit the zenith of his awesome yet. He was still struggling to not be Doogie Howser.

2.5/10.