The Expendables

(L-R) Jet Li, Jason Statham, Sylvester Stallone, Randy Couture & Terry Crews in "The Expendables"

        Sylvester Stallone rolls out the biggest ensemble cast since "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World" in "The Expendables".

        Stallone's character Barney Ross leads a group of diverse mercenaries with seemingly diverse backgrounds. I say that, only because the characters themselves are rather dissimilar. You have Stallone as Ross, the Swedish giant Dolph Lundgren as Gunner Jensen, Jet Li as Yin Yang; a martial artist with a slight Napoleon complex, Terry Crews as Hale Caesar, Jason Statham as Lee Christmas; the only Expendable with a personal life, and Randy Couture as Toll Road. Couture is the only Expendable we know is college educated, which we find out thanks to his exposition about his cauliflower ears. That and he's in therapy. Throw in the fact that Christmas is having girl trouble, and that Gunner is on some kind of unnamed narcotic and that's all of your character development. But for a film that one, centers on a large group of characters, and two is about mercenaries who likely do not use their real names, that is about as much as one can ask for.


        The film begins with Stallone and company taking out a Somali pirate tanker to rescue hostages who are employees of some large corporation. After the rescue and ensuing booting of Lundgren's character for substance abuse, they find themselves back in the states at the tattoo parlor of Tool (Mickey Rourke) an ex-Expendable who now acts as their manager. I'd love to see the rider connected to the contracts HE negotiates. Anyway, there is a meeting to take place for a job negotiation. Barney meets up with the both appropriately and ironically named Mr. Church played by Bruce Willis, a mere 3 steps from a pulpit. Ross wants to discuss business, but they "are still waiting for one more guy". Out of a sun-drenched doorway steps Arnold Schwartzenegger, and fanboys have the joygasm they have waited on for years. Stallone, Willis, and Schwartzenegger in the same scene. Arnold informs them that the job offer for a little island called Vilena is enticing but he is busy, so let Stallone and his boys have it. The job entails taking out a small army led by man named General Garza. I have never understood why defacto military dictators always settle for General in their title. Nobody elected you, but you run the show. Since you do not seek re-election, just name yourself whatever you like.

            Anyway, Barney and Christmas go scout the island where they meet Sandra, their contact on the island, and the General's daughter. After a hairy escape from the island necessitated due to people noticing them with Sandra, Barney and Christmas come back to HQ and do some more research. Turns out the whole island is propped up as a front by a former CIA agent names Munroe, played by Eric Roberts. Due to his connection to the CIA, the boys decide this action is a little too heavy for them and they are out of the game. Barney is troubled by his decision and consults Tool about it. Tool informs him of the one regret he has and it was not saving a life when he could have. Barney is convinced he must save this girl in the name of good karma, I guess, so he plans to go after her. Yang is told of this intention and after a well done confrontation with the understandably upset Gunner, informs the other Expendables, so they all decide they will die together if necessary. If it seems I'm leaving out character details, trust me, I'm not.

          Once on Vilena, we are treated to a 30 minute orgy of stuff blowing up, bodies flying around, and some nifty fight scenes played toward a winking moment at the audience. Stallone's character battles one baddie played by Stone Cold Steve Austin, who later tangles with Randy Couture and finds out what a truly bad idea that is. The pacing here is particularly good, as Stallone knows how to set his characters into a desperate situation before Terry Crews comes from the shadows with what gamers will recognize as a BFG to save the day. Seriously, his automatic shotgun is something to behold. After all the bad guys bite the dust and hope is restored to the island, Stallone oddly forgoes the chance to have his character get the girl, as a thankful embrace is all they share. It seems Stallone himself knows how silly his 60 year old character getting the 28 year old girl would be. With the job done, they gather at Tool's for a celebration and a set up toward a likely sequel.

        ""The Expendables" is rather brainless, not particularly witty though there are some laughs, but at all times FUN! You get what you pay for here and nothing less. Not great cinema, but a great time. 7.5 out of 10.