Pirate Radio

The cast of "Pirate Radio"

    "Pirate Radio" is a movie about music. More specifically, about what may be the greatest era for popular music in recorded human history, and it plays live a letter of love and undying devotion to that time.

    It needs to be noted, that while many of the incidents in "Pirate Radio" actually took place in any one of many offshore pirate stations in the mid-60's, there never was a specific ship called 'Radio Rock' nor did any of these characters actually live. They scurry and careen about on the boat, occaisionally visited by a gaggle of ladies, and I'm guessing supply boats, but there seems to be no real point to any of it.

    The film concerns a character known as Young Carl, sent by his mum to live and work amongst the Radio Rock scoundrels as penance of sorts for being expelled from school. Young Carl aside, the movie has a who's who of uber-talented British cinema and television actors. Chris O'Dowd and Katherine Parkinson from The IT Crowd are present, as is Edgar Wright stalwart Nick Frost. Emma Thomson drops in for an uncredited appearance, and Kenneth Branagh is the main antagonist. It seems that in the mid-60's, the BBC refused to play rock music, even though half the British population were devoted rock fans, or so the film says. So Branagh makes it his mission to ban pirate radio. There's the plot. There is a small amount of posturing toward Young Carl becoming a man by losing his virginity, and getting closer to the father he has never met who works at Radio Rock. But as for depth, there is none.

    In spite of all of that, I LOVE THIS MOVIE! It has such an affection for 60's era rock that it is purely infectious. The film knows what it is and never tries to surpass its abilities. Philip Seymour Hoffman shines in bright neon colors as The Count of Cool, an American DJ. Who would have guessed that the nervous, fidgity, pudgy guy from "Scent of a Woman" who was practically buried by Pacino and Chris O'Donnell by that script, has to be one of the best American actors working today, and O'Donnell is on NCIS: Los Angeles? Hoffman does some of his most electric work since "Almost Famous" here, and it genuinely seems as if he has a love affair with rock music, judging by his passion for it in these two roles.

    In the end, not much happens. The boat sinks, pirate radio is banned, and everyone on board has to find a new life they are almost certain to enjoy less than the one they are leaving. But that is the point of the film, and of rock music, I guess. We come and we go, but the music WILL go on no matter what. Somewhere in the world, a kid will hear a Ray Davies or Pete Townshend song, will turn to playing guitar, and devote his or her life to evoking a bombastic noise the eminates from deep down inside of them. Great rock music not only describes our lives, but reminds us why we like being alive. This film does the same.

7.0 out of 10.

Jackass 3D

Johnny Knoxville in "Jackass 3D"

      If you are not an admirer of the flaccid male sex organ, but merely a 3D movie enthusiast; Jackass 3D is not a movie worth your time. As a man with a taste for both, onward to the theater I marched. The movie met one expectation while falling short on the latter. This is not much of a 3D movie, (I really only felt i was watching 3D technology during the intro and outro) but it is definitely a Jackass movie.

     All of your favorite Jackasses are back, some in smaller roles than before, some more prominent. Preston Lacy takes on a larger role (no pun intended) as he fills the screeen (pun intended) more often than in the previous films. But this whale of a man (no pun intended) isn't the only cast member whose screen time has changed. A sober Steveo is seen less frequently than we are used to and even subdued and dare we think, cautious? I am referring to one stunt where Steveo discusses his fears prior to soldiering on. He is still Steveo, after all.

     Fans of the two previous Jackass films and the television series should enjoy the third installment just as much, if not more. It was just as shocking, raunchy and laugh out loud hilarious as anything they have submitted. I felt maybe this one cranked the raunch-o-meter a little higher. There were more penises, I would guess, than in the past and a girl in the theater I was in vomited. The vomit was induced by her watching a man play a trumpet with his ass hole. At least that was my guess. I suppose it could be true that she were merely emulating her heroes on screen, as they threw up many times themselves from various other "stunts".

     In my humble opinion, Jackass 3D was a great time if you are a Jackass fan. I also would say Jackass 2 remains maybe their strongest offering to date. That would be the one I descibe as the most "epic" of the 3. And I don't mean epic like the "WoW" playing fag way, or the beer chugging frat boy way. I mean it the way it is supposed to mean in the fucking english language! I felt they were most conscious of making a "big" movie in the 2nd one. Back to the 3rd movie though, since thats what I am supposed to be writing about. I think the first 20 minutes were non stop laughs, if you're a fan, definitely give it a chance. Don't watch it at midnight in Brooklyn, New York though, that was "epically" annoying. HA.

8/10

* I borrowed from the great David Cross with the "pun intendeds".

Starship Troopers

Casper Van Dien stars in "Starship Troopers"

     Starship Troopers.......sucks. I do not mean to pick apart its bad attempts at social satire that Robert Heinlein even failed at in his novel. I don't mean it sucks as cinema, or an action film, or a cautionary tale of putting Casper Von Dien up against a greenscreen that can out-act him. What I mean is, it sucks. It sucks as a concept, it surely sucked as a screenplay, and it sucks as a major motion picture. It should have been marketed as a horror film, because I reacted in terror when I realized this ill-conceived twaddle cost 105 million dollars to make.


      I had the chance to see the film again, in high definition. The film looks, as it always ever did, absolutely spectacular. But when suspension of disbelief enters the frame, I check out. Most films require this at some point. But Starship Troopers does not request it, mostly because it is too lazy and would lack the brainpower even if it had the will. Every character is wooden, none are relatable or sympathetic. In this reality, humans have mastered interstellar travel and apparently possess the technology necessary to make small nuclear weapons capable of semi-selective desruction. Yet they have no better method of large scale warfare than putting troops on the ground, with little to no armor, and have them fire bullets at these hulking insects. Digest that a moment.

     Paul Verhoven and company can make a good film. Witness the original Robocop, for example. The film soars as a sci-fi classic and the cyborg at the center has insight, vulnerability, and a sense of justified vengeance. In this film, none of the characters are as developed as even the ED-209 was. In an absurd twist, the one part of the film that is fairly accurate is the co-ed shower scene. Played largely for gratuity and an opportunity to get Dina Meyer wet and unclothed, it shows several unclad ladies in the background of the shot who are most certainly NOT material for the cover of Cosmopolitan. A real military would feature such a setting, so uh, bravo for that I guess.

     In short, if you own this film, hang your head in shame. NPH deserves better than this, but he had not hit the zenith of his awesome yet. He was still struggling to not be Doogie Howser.

2.5/10.

"Orange County", 2002

Jack Black and Colin Hanks star in "Orange County"

    “Orange County” is a movie, much like (though to a lesser degree) 1998’s “Can’t Hardly Wait”, that is even more interesting to go back and watch now, as many of the actors and bit players have become more prominent since the movie was released. Unlike “Can’t Hardly Wait”, though, the young actors of “Orange County” are joined by many well-versed comedic legends.

    Colin Hanks stars as Shaun Brumder, a high school senior from an affluent neighborhood in Orange County, California who wants nothing more than to graduate high school and attend Stanford, where he can study writing under the tutelage of his idol, novelist Marcus Skinner (Kevin Kline, in an unaccredited cameo). Shaun sees this as a way to escape his life surrounded by vapid anti-intellectuals and superficial trust fund babies.  Shaun’s transcripts get mis-managed by his guidance counselor (Lilly Tomlin) and his application to Stanford is denied. His girlfriend, Ashley (Schuyler Fisk), manages to get him an interview with a classmate’s grandfather (Garry Marshall), who happens to be on the board at the college. The interview goes disastrously wrong due to the unfortunate antics of his alcoholic mother (Catherin O’Hara) and perpetually stoned, ne’er-do-well of a brother, Lance (Jack Black, playing essentially the same character he always plays). So, finally, after being turned down for financial help from his father (John Lithgow) and his new trophy wife (Leslie Mann) because he disagrees with his son’s writing aspirations, Shaun enlists his brother to drive him to Stanford so he can plead his case to the admissions director (Harold Ramis), and Ashley decides to tag along for the adventure.

    Upon arriving at the college things continue to spiral ever downward for Shaun in a Rube Goldberg-ian series of actions. Drugs are accidentally taken, a building is set ablaze, people fall off of roofs and down tree-covered hills. The plot is easy enough to follow, but the events take a massive suspension of disbelief, much like most comedic road movies. The movie manages to elicit a few laughs along the way, which is the main objective of any comedy. The main strength, though, lies in the excellent casting and director Jake Kasdan’s wise decision to enroll the talents of strong veteran actors to help many of the young newcomers along. Colin Hanks does a superb job in the lead role and is very reminiscent of his father, especially from earlier in his career during his comedic days.

    While watching this movie, you will almost assuredly being running to the computer to consult IMDb, trying to figure out where you’ve seen one of the actors or actresses. Among the bigger names that make cameos, besides those previously mentioned are Ben Stiller and Chevy Chase. Anyone familiar with Judd Apatow’s television series, “Freaks & Geeks” and “Undeclared”, will be familiar with some of the younger actors along the way (Sarah Hagan, Monica Keena and Natasha Melnick all appear briefly). Also making small appearances are Bret Harrison (“Reaper”), Lizzy Caplan (“True Blood”, “Party Down”), Jane Adams (“Hung”) and Kyle Howard (“My Boys”). I’m always delighted when I re-watch a movie and see an actor that has since gone on to nab bigger roles in different projects.

    Overall, the movie does what it needs to do. Namely, keep the narrative moving while providing a few chuckles in the process. Nothing fails miserably, but then, nothing really excels admirably, either. The movie is what it is, something that you can throw on and watch on some lazy Sunday afternoon while you turn off your brain for 90 minutes. If it comes on television, give it a watch. If you’ve got an extra dollar or two, go ahead and rent it and then you can make the decision about whether or not you want to add it to your permanent collection.

7/10

Major League, the third perspective

(Clockwise from top-right) Charlie Sheen, Wesley Snipes, Margaret Whitton, Dennis Haysbert, Corbin Bernsen & Tom Berenger star in "Major League"

    Being that I haven't seen this movie in a good long while it is amazing how much of it I remember. One thing that I distinctly remember is how much I enjoyed this movie. The reason that I loved the movie so much was in no small part the underlying theme that if motivated enough you can do anything. The idea that the bunch of men who by all right shouldn't have any right to win a game let alone have a successful season overcoming obstacle after obstacle is fun. Each time you would see them succeeding in some way I actually felt good for them.

    The other thing that I loved was that you enjoyed the characters and all of their flaws. Each character in the movie is broken in some way and everybody can relate to them. The real good parts of the movie are not when the players are out on the field but when they are interacting with one another. My personal favorite is when a bucket of fried chicken is brought to Cerrano for his sacrifice to his Voodoo deity. My other favorite is when Charlie Sheens character realizes that he has just slept with another players wife without knowing it. Also, everybody hated the Yankees and come on, who doesn't hate the Yankees!

    Overall, I would say it is a 7 out of 10 as long as you don't watch the sequels. It is a feel good movie and I would still recommend it to anybody that hasn't seen it.

The Kid Ego "Major League" review

Charlie Sheen stars as Rick 'Wild Thing' Vaughn in "Major League"

      Ok. First and foremost, it needs to be said that this was one of my very favorite films as a kid. I was 9 when this film came out and I loved everything about it. I still appreciate it, but for some very different reasons.


     The film plays like a grown-up version of "The Bad News Bears" in many ways. But it dawns on me that as formulaic as this film is, it is a film that cannot be made today. These days baseball is DROWNING in stats. Many teams have special employees on their payroll to keep track of stat, even very specific ones known as Sabermetrics. Too bad the owners of the Indians in this movie knew little about it, since the team appears to be set up well in the regard. Power in the middle of the order from Cerrano, speed at the top from Hayes, a contact hitting catcher moving him over and into scoring position, unless he is there already as a result of having stolen bases. Even the two starting pitchers the movie focuses on appear to limit walks, and in Vaughn's case, hold strikeouts at a premium.

       What may be most significant about this film is the cultural impact. Today, closers routinely enter the game to intimidating theme music, much the way Sheen's character does. Certain catchphrases like Uecker's "Juuuuuust a bit outside" are part of every baseball nut's vocabulary, and well, everyone continues to hate the Yankees.

      "Major League" also succeeds in doing something that only "Bull Durham" has also done. It is an R-rated baseball comedy. The sequels to this film are more silly than raunchy and were disappointments. They were likely toned down in hopes that a lower rating would increase box office. Instead it took the teeth out of a franchise intended to be for adults. The makers of "The Hangover" realize this and will avoid such a trap.

     Overall, the film still hold up ok, as nothing horribly dates the film, and could play as if it were a period piece rather than a piece made during a certain period. 7.5 outof 10 for the film. 10 out of 10 for the baseball purists out there.

"Major League", 1989

Tom Berenger and Charlie Sheen have a conference on the mound

    “Major League” opens with a montage of shots of Cleveland, giving us a glimpse of the blue-collar town and it’s people, including a nun who feeds the pigeons while wearing an Indians jacket. Being a friend of a couple of native Clevelanders, I can tell you that these are people that take their sports teams seriously.

    There are two main plot threads that run through the film. The first revolves around Rachel Phelps (Margaret Whitton), a former Las Vegas showgirl, who has just inherited the team and her plans to move the team to Miami and it’s warmer climate. They way she plans to do this, we learn early on, is to recruit the worst players possible to kill ticket sales and therefore get out of the contract between the franchise and the city of Cleveland. This squad includes a motley crew of washed up has-beens and rookie never-weres like Jake Taylor (Tom Berenger), a catcher with bad knees, Pedro Cerrano (Dennis Haysbert), a power-hitting Cuban defector who can’t make contact with a breaking ball to save his life, Willy Mays-Hayes (Wesley Snipes),  a speedy outfielder with designs on a hall-of-fame career despite his inability to actually play the game, Roger Dorn (Corbin Bernsen), a prima-donna third baseman who refuses to properly field a ball for fear that it could shorten his career or damage his looks, Eddie Harris (Chelcie Ross), an over-the-hill pitcher who relies on doctoring the ball to get a few more inches on the break, and finally, Ricky Vaughn (Charlie Sheen), and fireballer with control issues who‘s fresh out of prison. Managing this ragtag group falls to Lou Brown (James Gammon, who sadly passed away earlier this year after battling liver and adrenal gland cancer), a gruff, no-nonsense coach who has spent the last 30 years leading minor league teams. The second plot involves the love story between Jake and his former girlfriend, Lynn Wells (Rene Russo, making her major feature film debut), who is engaged to another man when we are introduced to her character.

    Both of these threads go pretty much the way you would assume, but it works none the less. Where the movie really shines, though, is in the comedic moments between the plot, most of which come from the Indians announcer, Harry Doyle (the hilarious Bob Uecker) and the bantering between the players. Even though the film progresses predictably, it never fails to entertain and even at times makes you wonder how, or even if, this group will be able to pull together and overcome the dreaded Yankees and the hurdles that Phelps is constantly throwing in front of them.

    “Major League” doesn’t break any new ground in either plot development or filmmaking in general but it succeeds, regardless, in providing an entertaining way to kill 107 minutes.

8/10

Easy A

Emma Stone stars in "Easy A"

      Emma Stone is officially a movie star. Oh, her talent was on display in such films as "The Rocker", "Superbad", and "Zombieland" but this film puts her front and center and lets her take advantage of pretty much everything she does well.

       Now, going in, I expected this film to be total dreck. The marketing was terrible and played up all the wrong parts of the film. I guess it was an attempt to cater to the tween and teen girl demographic. Well, the sad news here, is that this film is smarter than the intended audience and it knows it. There are so many talented people in this movie and all of them get something interesting to do. Nearly all of the major players are 3-dimensional characters.

        Emma Stone plays Olive Penderghast, a social outcast who only gains popularity when a false rumor gets around her school that she slept with some guy from a local community college. That over simple plot device is really the only sin the film commits. Olive is smart, witty, sarcastic, and just plain easy to adore. For those reasons alone it is impossible to imagine that she is dateless week after week, but she is also easy on the eyes.

         So with her new found notoriety, Olive sets out to do some good by helping a homosexual boy, who is often the target of bullies, and get the school to think he is a hetero stud. It works and she is compensated financially. To her, this is not prostituting because no sex is involved. Plus, she gets the glee of duping the plebian masses that make up her student body. Olive consults her very understanding, very funny parents and they offer genuine and sage advice. "Juno" started a trend that Olive's parents (Stanley Tucci and Patricia Clarkson, respectively) continue. Her parents are people and they talk like it. They are not paint by numbers or a set of simpletons who dole out advice or punishment as if it came from a manual. Olive wishes her life were a John Hughes movie but Hughes, for all his talents, tended to paint adults with a broad brush.

       So things get out of hand and Olive begins considering the ethics of what she is doing. An unexpected plot twist involving some members of the local god-squad also moves the story away from easy to mine territory which could have mired the film in banality.

        In short, "Easy A" succeeds in leaps and bounds. The writers and director all deserve credit for a truly great entry into the teen movie universe but the real hero is the casting director. Whoever said, "we need Emma Stone" deserves an award of their own. Nobody else could have given this role what she did. Let's hope she inspires a little more independent thought than that brainless Bella Swan does.

       "Easy A" gets 8 out of 10. Seriously, go see this film.

The Expendables

(L-R) Jet Li, Jason Statham, Sylvester Stallone, Randy Couture & Terry Crews in "The Expendables"

        Sylvester Stallone rolls out the biggest ensemble cast since "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World" in "The Expendables".

        Stallone's character Barney Ross leads a group of diverse mercenaries with seemingly diverse backgrounds. I say that, only because the characters themselves are rather dissimilar. You have Stallone as Ross, the Swedish giant Dolph Lundgren as Gunner Jensen, Jet Li as Yin Yang; a martial artist with a slight Napoleon complex, Terry Crews as Hale Caesar, Jason Statham as Lee Christmas; the only Expendable with a personal life, and Randy Couture as Toll Road. Couture is the only Expendable we know is college educated, which we find out thanks to his exposition about his cauliflower ears. That and he's in therapy. Throw in the fact that Christmas is having girl trouble, and that Gunner is on some kind of unnamed narcotic and that's all of your character development. But for a film that one, centers on a large group of characters, and two is about mercenaries who likely do not use their real names, that is about as much as one can ask for.


        The film begins with Stallone and company taking out a Somali pirate tanker to rescue hostages who are employees of some large corporation. After the rescue and ensuing booting of Lundgren's character for substance abuse, they find themselves back in the states at the tattoo parlor of Tool (Mickey Rourke) an ex-Expendable who now acts as their manager. I'd love to see the rider connected to the contracts HE negotiates. Anyway, there is a meeting to take place for a job negotiation. Barney meets up with the both appropriately and ironically named Mr. Church played by Bruce Willis, a mere 3 steps from a pulpit. Ross wants to discuss business, but they "are still waiting for one more guy". Out of a sun-drenched doorway steps Arnold Schwartzenegger, and fanboys have the joygasm they have waited on for years. Stallone, Willis, and Schwartzenegger in the same scene. Arnold informs them that the job offer for a little island called Vilena is enticing but he is busy, so let Stallone and his boys have it. The job entails taking out a small army led by man named General Garza. I have never understood why defacto military dictators always settle for General in their title. Nobody elected you, but you run the show. Since you do not seek re-election, just name yourself whatever you like.

            Anyway, Barney and Christmas go scout the island where they meet Sandra, their contact on the island, and the General's daughter. After a hairy escape from the island necessitated due to people noticing them with Sandra, Barney and Christmas come back to HQ and do some more research. Turns out the whole island is propped up as a front by a former CIA agent names Munroe, played by Eric Roberts. Due to his connection to the CIA, the boys decide this action is a little too heavy for them and they are out of the game. Barney is troubled by his decision and consults Tool about it. Tool informs him of the one regret he has and it was not saving a life when he could have. Barney is convinced he must save this girl in the name of good karma, I guess, so he plans to go after her. Yang is told of this intention and after a well done confrontation with the understandably upset Gunner, informs the other Expendables, so they all decide they will die together if necessary. If it seems I'm leaving out character details, trust me, I'm not.

          Once on Vilena, we are treated to a 30 minute orgy of stuff blowing up, bodies flying around, and some nifty fight scenes played toward a winking moment at the audience. Stallone's character battles one baddie played by Stone Cold Steve Austin, who later tangles with Randy Couture and finds out what a truly bad idea that is. The pacing here is particularly good, as Stallone knows how to set his characters into a desperate situation before Terry Crews comes from the shadows with what gamers will recognize as a BFG to save the day. Seriously, his automatic shotgun is something to behold. After all the bad guys bite the dust and hope is restored to the island, Stallone oddly forgoes the chance to have his character get the girl, as a thankful embrace is all they share. It seems Stallone himself knows how silly his 60 year old character getting the 28 year old girl would be. With the job done, they gather at Tool's for a celebration and a set up toward a likely sequel.

        ""The Expendables" is rather brainless, not particularly witty though there are some laughs, but at all times FUN! You get what you pay for here and nothing less. Not great cinema, but a great time. 7.5 out of 10.

The Underworld Trilogy, 2003 - 2009

Kate Beckinsale as Selene

Yes, I’m reviewing all three movies, as that’s how I spent my day. Just as a note, before I begin, I watched the movies somewhat out of order, beginning with the prequel “Underworld: Rise of the Lycans” and then proceeding through the original movie and then, finally, “Underworld: Evolution”.

    “Underworld”, 2003

    The original movie begins with a voice-over from the main character of the series, Selene (portrayed by Kate Beckinsale) giving the audience a small bit of information about the war between the Lycans (werewolves) and Vampires. It’s a good thing she gives us this, too, as the plot quickly becomes muddied by a lack of just about any exposition or dialogue as to exactly what the hell is going on, which is sad because there is a very rich and inviting backstory here for anyone willing to trudge through the necessary steps to uncover it. Unfortunately, the current story is nowhere near as developed and basically boils down to the werewolves and vampires fighting over a single human, Michael Corvin (Scott Speedman) who carries some sort of genetic anomaly in his blood that will help lead to the creation of a vampire/werewolf hybrid. There’s a sub-plot with a vampire named Kraven (Shane Brolly) trying to stage a coup for the leadership of the vampires. This he does by plotting with the leader of the Lycans, Lucian (Michael Sheen). There’s also another sub-plot thread of exactly how much the biggest, baddest vampire, Viktor (Bill Nighy) is tied up in the beginning of the Lycan-Vampire War. Oh, also, Selene and Michael fall in love, I think. I’m not real clear on that, as at no point do they do or say anything to make you think they actually have any feelings for each other, but I’m told that they are.

    If I’m making this sound at all straightforward and easy to understand, then it probably has more to do with my having seen this movie already once before, and having watched the prequel beforehand. I assure you not of this is really spelled out all that clearly. The problem lies in the director, Len Wiseman’s, hands. He has a background in set direction and props, and that’s all quite evident. His movie looks great. Regrettably, he doesn’t seem to have any interest in giving the audience the necessary information needed to identify with his characters. Selene is full of steel-jawed grace and sex appeal, but what makes her tick? We learn that her family was murdered, either by the Lycans or *Spoiler Alert* Viktor, but it never seems to drive her one way or the other THAT much. Michael works in some capacity in a hospital, but outside of one scene in the beginning we never see that aspect of his character come into play.

    Now, normally I might attribute these kinds of failings to bad acting, but that’s not really the case. Nobody gives any kind of an Oscar-caliber performance, mind you, but they do what they can with what they are given. Bill Nighy’s at his scenery-chewing best, but that works for the character he’s playing. Michael Sheen gives one of the better performances of the movie, convincingly switching between contemptible villain and a sympathetic character.  Shane Brolly is wholly unconvincing as any kind of threat and toes the line of becoming boring, at times. Scott Speedman is perhaps the weakest link in the chain here, as he’s wooden in most of his dialogue delivery, and seems to have been cast only because he can look sexy and brooding all at the same time.

5/10

“Underworld: Evolution”, 2006

    “Underworld: Evolution” picks up right after the end of the original, save for a brief flashback to the beginning of the 13th century, filling us in on a little more of the backstory of the origins of the Lycans and Vampires. Once again, Len Wiseman is directing and, as a result, everything looks real good. Sadly, the same problem remains in that absolutely nothing is made clear as it pertains to what the hell is going on, though to a slightly lesser degree. Characters are introduced and we’re never sure who they are, just that they may or may not have some sort of information that is necessary to drive the protagonists to the next set piece. They are MacGuffins, and there are a lot of them.

    The plot boils down to the original Vampire, Markus (who was woken at the end of the original) and his search for his long-lost brother, William, the original Lycan. This isn’t a bad skeleton to build a story from, but it doesn’t seem that any thought was given to any of the details of the story.  Details like why Markus doesn’t just kill Viktor back in 1202. Viktor was working under the belief that if Markus died, then all the vampires would die, so why then why couldn’t Markus just kill him then? It’s not like Viktor could fight back, he’d risk killing himself if he killed Markus (or at least he thought).  Why did it take Markus the better part of 15 minutes to realize he could just lift the stone door near the end of the movie? I mean, I know it’s so he would be off-screen until the big battle at the end, but it’s things like this that annoy me. Plot contrivances can be used every once in a while and not be as noticeable but when they are this abundant they begin to stack up and are glaring. It’s as if we are watching the first draft of what could have been a decent movie, but it was never giving the required polish and shine to get it to that stage.

    Once again, the performances are as good as you could hope for with as little as the actors are given to work with. Tony Curran, who portrays Markus in varying degrees of makeup, is a much better main antagonist than Shane Brolly was in the first, actually seeming like a real threat to out heroes. Kate Beckinsale delivers a performance on par with the original and even Scott Speedman steps up his game ever so slightly showing us acting that make it seem like his character is bordering on actual emotion.

    Overall, while the acting is a bit of a step up in some cases (though Nighy’s arch-villain is sorely missed), the movie as a whole takes a step backwards from the original with plot holes that are at times so obvious it makes you wonder how the filmmakers missed them.

4/10

“Underworld: Rise of the Lycans”, 2009

    “Underworld: Rise of the Lycans” is a prequel to the original movie, which takes place before the beginning of the Vampire-Lycan War and shows us it’s origins, which were only glimpsed in the original. Taking over the directing reins from Len Wiseman this round is Patrick Tatopoulos, a former effects and production design man. Unlike his predecessor, Tatopoulos is more inclined to give us a glimpse of what make his characters tick and he’s helped along greatly in this by the returning Bill Nighy (Viktor) and Michael Sheen (Lucian).

    The plot revolves around the love affair between Lucian and Viktor’s daughter, Sonja (Rhona Mitra). Unfortunately, Lucian is a Lycan (the first to be able to revert to human form we’re told) and Sonja is a Vampire, and of course this is love affair is forbidden. In the film, the this new breed of Lycans are slaves to the Vampires, serving as their daytime protectors, and everything seems fine in that regard until Lucian rips off his chains in order to help save his love and some human nobles from a pack of wild Lycans. Viktor has Lucian imprisoned for this betrayal of trust and things spin off from there. Lucian stages a Spartacus-esque uprising of the Lycans, Viktor finds out about his daughter’s tryst with Lucian and so on and so forth leading to a huge battle between the Lycans and the Vampires at the end.

    The story is predictable, that I won’t deny, but what makes this entry into the series stand above the previous two is the clarity of why characters are doing and saying what they are doing and saying. You know their motivations and where they stem from. Nighy and Sheen deliver performances that are excellent and carry the movie throughout upon their more than capable shoulders.  Rhona Mitra makes you understand what would draw Lucian to her Sonja. She is strong-willed and fiery, yet reserved and caring when she needs to be.

    The sets and effects are spot-on, which isn’t really all that surprising for the series. The battles between the Lycans and Vampires are much more visceral, though, due in no small part to the absence of firearms which were a standby in the series until now (indeed, the warring factions even had specialized bullets in the previous entries).

    In all, if I were to ever suggest one part of the trilogy to someone, it would likely be this one. Yes, the story is predictable and we’ve seen it all before, but the acting is stellar and the plot is clear.

6.5/10